


My Heart's Advocate

by EternalDarkEyes



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Never Met, Animal Shelter AU, College AU, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Makoto's Birthday Exchange 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-29 09:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8483689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternalDarkEyes/pseuds/EternalDarkEyes
Summary: "What Haruka regretted most was the new knowledge that, somehow, Makoto held himself responsible for every life in that shelter. Not only for the dozens of animal lives inside, but for Kou, Nagisa, Rei, Rin… And now Haruka himself. Every time Makoto smiled, he was putting on a brave face not for his own sake, but for the sake of all those he was protecting.
The very face that looked at him now, smile pinned on with needles and eyes desperate to hide the truth."





	1. Awareness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TripCreates](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TripCreates/gifts).



> Disclaimer: This story was written recognizing that animal shelters and animal advocacy are complex issues that should not be taken lightly. It is also recognized that the author is not an expert in all issues mentioned. The purpose of this story is to educate, entertain, and perhaps persuade change. No offenses or triggering were intended, though sensitive topics may be covered.
> 
> If you have any questions or thoughts, feel free to leave a comment.
> 
> Please read with an open heart, and enjoy this story of love and learning.

 

An empty stomach was the least of Haruka’s problems. But the painful pull of hunger refused to leave his body and mind alone, so here he was at the school’s dining hall.

University had not been a huge step of independence for Haruka. He had been living on his own since his first year of high school when his grandmother had been placed in a nursing home by his parents despite them still living abroad. Now that he lived in the city, his visitation with his grandmother had decreased significantly. Besides that and a more intense focus on his studies and swimming however, he felt more or less the same. Still, skipping breakfast might not have been his most responsible choice. Had his grandmother known, she surely would have reprimanded him.

As expected of any dining establishment at lunch hour, the food court was packed with people. The lines of students waiting to place their order at the different dining options were long, tangled, and nearly indistinguishable from each other at the ends. So many bodies packed tightly together, their menial conversation overlapping to form a chorus of chaos. The noise and heat were almost more than Haruka could bare. He needed to get some food and get out of there.

Abandoning the prepared-to-order food options, Haruka headed over to the small grocery corner of the hall, eyes set on a cold fish sandwich wrapped to go. Quickly grabbing the sandwich and a bottled water from the refrigerator, Haruka then stood in the thankfully comparably shorter line to pay for his purchase. When the girl before him finished paying for her bowl of fruit, he stepped up to the cashier eager for the transaction to finish so that he could finally escape the crowded hall.

It would have been perfect had he not realized that his back pocket was empty.

The cashier gave him a discouraged look as Haruka turned to fumble through his messenger bag in search of his wallet. All search attempts ended in failure. Pointedly, he avoided meeting the gaze of the cashier. Resigning to the fact that he probably had left his wallet in his swim team locker after practice that morning, he mumbled an apology and excused himself to return the food items to their shelf before making a beeline to the closest dining hall exit.

The healing effects of cool autumn air were instant as Haruka took a step outside. He let himself take in a deep, refreshing breath, the chill slightly burning his nose. His back expanded stiffly as he diligently kept that embarrassing incident behind him. His stomach rolled in angry protest of his choice however.

Outside the dining hall, the campus opened up to a large courtyard lined alternately by trees and tables. Leaves crunched beneath his feet as he continued to put space between himself and the large building behind him. Halfway across the courtyard now, the university clock tower rang at the 45 minute mark. His next class began in 15 minutes, and without money or time to run home, he would have to attend with an empty stomach.

For a moment, Haruka let himself mourn the dismal afternoon that stood before him. Frustrated with his fate, it took him a moment to realize that someone had been calling for him. He reluctantly turned to acknowledge the person calling from one of the courtyard tables.

“Sir, would you like to know how you can make a difference?”

Haruka took a couple steps towards the line of tables, ears deaf but eyes intent.

The man, a student Haruka might have guessed if he cared to focus on him longer than the second that he did, stood behind the table. He smiled, grateful for Haruka’s attention. Haruka all but ignored him as he finally stood at the table, appreciating spread laid out.

With the semester just beginning, clubs were eager to enlist new members. They often set up booths anywhere students congregated, and many of the tables lining the courtyard were bursting with posters, screens, and flyers begging perspective new members to take notice of the clubs’ interests. Haruka never paid them much mind as he was a full-time art student and on a full-ride swimming scholarship. Any free time he had would not be wasted on small-time club engagements. No, what interested Haruka this time was the promise of food. Many clubs handed out treats with their flyers in hopes of catching a hungry passerby’s interest. Haruka was lucky enough to be one such passerby, and the pile of bagged animal crackers presented before him promised a solution to his whole starving predicament.

Hand twitching at his side, a simple plan formed in Haruka’s mind. Pretend to listen to this guy’s spiel. At the appropriate moment, accept the flyer and the incentive. Make a run for it before he had to add himself to some email list. Enjoy his free food while he can before heading in for class. If it meant him not having to deal with a hunger-ridden mind, Haruka was willing to put into action this not so honest plan.

The club member had been diligent in following his well-rehearsed recruiting pitch. Haruka only nodded occasionally though his eyes never strayed from the bright red bags that promised to end his suffering.

“If you would like more information, please check out our club website. Its listed here at the bottom of our flyer.”

The man presented Haruka with a quarter of a sheet of paper, a picture of a dog and cat on it with the promised contact info lining the bottom. Haruka accepted the paper with one hand, the other already extending to pluck a greedy two bags of crackers from the bowl. A hand took his before he even had a chance to make contact with a single crackle of plastic.

Shocked by the firm handshake he was receiving, Haruka shot a confused look at the initiator of the intrusive physical contact.

“Please consider meeting with us here tonight for this semester’s first event or making a contribution on our website. Any amount is enough to make a difference in a cat or dog’s life.”

Haruka tore his gaze from the man’s admittedly captivating face to look at the banner that hung behind him. “Animal Advocacy Association” was printed boldly across the plastic. What the heck had Haruka agreed to?

“Again, my name is Tachibana Makoto. I will be heading the meeting on Tuesday, and would love to see you there. Thank you for your time!”

Haruka’s hand was released as the man bent in a deep, appreciative bow. Extended in two hands, a single bag of animal crackers. Haruka accepted it wordlessly, and swiftly turned away from the table. He took long, fast strides away from that man and his smiling face. His prize crinkled as he tucked it into his sweater pocket. Dark hair fluttered at the edges of his vision, but he remained focused on the flyer in hand. The dog printed on the flyer resembled one he temporarily had as a pet back in middle school.

Warm nostalgia caressed his thoughts as the coincidence connected in his mind. His dog’s name had also been Makoto.

 

* * *

 

Practice let out late that night. The campus was dark, and the wide expanses of paved walkway were empty. Haruka paid little attention to his solitude, eager to just get to his apartment and relax for the night. The crisp air of daytime autumn had drastically lowered to the deep chill that whispered the severity of the oncoming winter. He wished he had not left his sports jacket in his locker back in the athletics building.

Rounding a corner, he came face to face with a large cardboard box and the resulting collision sent both flying backwards.

A white shock of pain shot through his elbow as he landed heavily on his side. Grimacing, he gingerly shifted into a sitting position, cradling his right arm close to his body. Across from him, another man sat up slowly, the contents of the box he had been carrying spilled beside him.

Annoyed, Haruka made to glare his disapproval when a nearby streetlamp lit the face of his offender. It was the club recruiter guy he had stolen those animal crackers from earlier…. Makoto, wasn’t it?

Haruka had planned on avoiding any chance of running into this guy. He had no intention of attending their meetings or reading up on their website. He had even planned on steering clear of that courtyard for at least a couple days.

But the face he had been set on avoiding for the rest of forever now stared back at him, darkened tear trails streaking burning cheeks. Suddenly the stinging pain in his arm did not matter anymore. The embarrassment of his previous scheming did not matter anymore. The warm bath at home did not matter anymore. Guilt gripped his throat as he began to shuffle over to the other man.

Before Haruka could muster even a peep of an apology, the man was at his side, apologies flowing from his mouth like water from the tap.

“I’m really sorry! I’m sooo sorry! Are you okay? You fell really hard. I should have been more careful. Gosh, I’m sorry.”

Haruka ignored the torrent of apologies that filled the air, choosing to instead focus on glistening green eyes the refused to meet his gaze. The more the man talked, the thicker his voice became. A sob broke his voice, and the man suddenly clasped his hand across his own mouth. New tears escaped his hold, and the man bent forward in public anguish.

The two sat in silence. One consumed in emotion, and the other stunned immobile.

As the echoes of the clock tower ringing in the late hour faded, Haruka found himself suddenly very aware of his position. By now, Makoto was wiping furiously at his face, nose uselessly sniffing back the mess that stubbornly continued to drip. Unable to find the right words to offer someone so obviously upset, Haruka tapped gently on the man’s shoulder instead. He pressed forward a handkerchief he had quickly fished from his bag in offering.

The man looked up just enough to see the cloth, and accepted it lamely with a wobbly bob of his head in show of appreciation. His bangs hung low, enough to give some sort of screen of privacy as he cleaned his face. Meanwhile, Haruka rose to his knees to begin gathering all the fallen items and place them again in the large cardboard box.

“Are you going to be okay?”

The words left Haruka without his bidding, his voice finally labeling the strange tension he had been feeling. He was not one to usually worry unnecessarily, but clearly whatever had just happened had a great impact on this man. And the incident did not seem to want to release Haruka from its uncomfortable grasp.

Taking a deep breath in, the man straightened into a more open position. An alarmingly fake smile stretched across his face, and his eyes seemed to have swollen enough that eye contact was easily avoided.

“I’m going to have to be, huh?” The resignation seemed to strike a raw chord within the man as he gulped back another wave of emotion, shaking in his effort to keep together.

Haruka really could not believe this guy. It was clear that when they had collided, the man had already been in a frenzied state. The shock of the fall must have broken what little control this guy had over what he was feeling. Though there was relief that Haruka probably was not the one at fault for this scene, the burden of responsibility still weighed heavy upon his shoulders. He could not leave this mess of a person here.

With a bit of effort, Haruka managed to get into a standing position. He did not seem to be seriously injured, hopefully abrasions being the source of the stinging in his arm. Testing his theory, he bent down to grab the filled cardboard box. The resulting pain was manageable. He definitely would not be in top swimming condition for practice tomorrow, but he probably did not need to see a physician.

“Which way is home?” Haruka exhaled, trying to his best to sound nonchalant.

“Oh! Uh… You don’t have to do that. I’m sorry about all this. Its just been a really rough day, but I will be okay.”

The man’s lie only strengthened Haruka’s resolve. Perhaps his conscious was telling him that this was a way to payback the stranger for the animal crackers he had basically stolen from him. Whatever the reason, Haruka could not find a motive strong enough for him to leave now.

Shaking the hair out of his eyes, Haruka nudged a shoulder towards a walkway that exited campus. A nostalgic name came to mind.

“Come on, Makoto. Its cold.”

Shooting from the ground to his startling full height, Makoto’s body jolted in shock.

“Do I know you? I’m sorry, its really dark. Do we have a class together or…?”

Haruka started to walk to the edge of campus, Makoto chasing after him. Once he had caught up, he intently studied Haruka’s face. The attention made Haruka regret all his choices that much more.

“You stopped by my booth this afternoon, didn’t you?” Makoto finally concluded after a span of silent walking. Haruka hummed his confirmation.

Makoto let out a content sigh at finding his answer. They had followed a main road to a residential area. The taller man’s long strides shepherded Haruka to what he hoped was the correct direction.

“You know, I talk to so many people every day. Always the same message. And it seems to always come to the same end. Kinda makes you want to give up.” He laughed bitterly, a meaning behind his words that Haruka was not sure of. “But I will be there tomorrow, if you want more animal crackers. At least I can help that much.”

The jab did not seem to be intended at Haruka. It felt like disappointment in himself. Haruka wondered what the price of an offhanded swipe of crackers had on this man. The press to apologize forced Haruka to speak again.

“Sorry I couldn’t make the meeting.”

“No, you’re okay. I know you were only listening to be nice. Most people just take and leave. I actually got to go through everything with you. Animal advocacy is a hard demand for anybody. Its okay to have your own priorities.”

Was this guy trying to comfort and validate him now? Shifting the box a bit in his arms, Haruka strained to think of something to say to take the attention off of himself.

“You… like animals?”

“Ha, yeah,” Makoto easily picked up on the attempt at conversation. “Ever since my first pet goldfish when I was six years old, I’ve loved animals. If it weren’t for my apartment’s no pet rule, I probably would have at least two cats. Back home, my family has four fish, two dogs and a cat. I almost miss them as much as a miss my siblings. Not that I could ever tell either of them that.”

“So you are part of a pet loving club.”

“Something like that. I’m actually the president. Kinda makes the scene back there all that much more shameful.”

Haruka considered the man beside him. His eyes were still swollen, but the redness had calmed down to a blotchy pink. A certain level of pride and responsibility seemed to square his shoulders. But a prevailing meekness kept his chin tucked low, his expression reflective.

“No one came to the meeting. Even my own counsel couldn’t show up. Not that I doubt their dedication. Its just hard to balance school with such demanding club responsibilities. That’s part of why I, uh. You know…”

The corners of Makoto’s lips lifted in an attempt at a defeated smile. But the corners sagged almost instantly. Haruka feared there was about to be a relapse.

“Today, I lost a good friend despite my best efforts to help them. That’s really what all this is about. So don’t worry. You have been very good to me. I’m very thankful.”

Makoto came to a stop and easily took the box from Haruka. Without the barrier of the box, Haruka suddenly felt exposed and empty.

“This is my place. Really though, thank you. I’m sorry for all the trouble I have put you through. I really owe you one.” He shifted from one leg to another, seeming to have more to say but unable to say it.

“Well, good night um…, gosh I don’t even know your name. Even after all this.”

Immediately, Haruka gave it. “Haruka, but I prefer Haru.”

“Haru?” Makoto repeated the name in humble acceptance of unsaid permission. “Thanks again then, Haru.”

Makoto began to make his way up the perpendicular pathway that led to the staircase of a large apartment complex. Before he finally disappeared into the shadows, Haruka convinced himself of what he needed to do.

“Makoto.”

Pausing mid stride, Makoto glanced back at Haruka.

“See you tomorrow.”

The smile Makoto gave Haruka then was the first of the day that did not strike pain into his heart. Instead, he felt a small warmth that stayed with him all through the long, cold walk back home.

 

* * *

 

Haruka did not see Makoto that following day.

Caught in a storm of mixed emotions that previous night, he had failed to remember that his classes alternated with each day. While he had no classes at noon on Tuesdays, he had back to back classes from 10am to 2pm on Wednesdays. By the time he was able to make it the courtyard outside of the dining hall, the club’s booth was cleared out. Only its banner fluttered from where it hung attached to two poles.

Thursday yielded similar results.

He was able to make it to the booth despite the lunch hour rush that swarmed the dining hall courtyard. But instead of a tall, shaggy-haired Makoto greeting him, he met a considerably shorter club member named Kou. She was the vice president of the club, and informed him that Makoto had to take a test today, so she took over recruiting for the lunch rush.

Not to be side-tracked from her purpose, she gave her own rendition of what he supposed Makoto had said when they had first met. Though he was almost positive that Makoto had not emphasized so dramatically about the benefit dogs had on health and athletic performance. She took particular interest in the development of his triceps, but he blamed that on her being a biology major. At the end, he refused the flyer. His first one was still folded up in his sweater pocket. He did accept the animal crackers however, feeling that he actually had earned them this time. Not to mention that he had again failed to eat breakfast that morning. He could practically feel his grandmother’s worried disapproval.

“Makoto-senpai will be here tomorrow if you can be back around the same time. We have this table scheduled for next week too, so if you need more animal crackers, we will be around,” she teased easily, long maroon hair swishing as she pointedly winked at him. Haruka left feeling like he had missed something.

By Friday, Haruka was not sure if he wanted to keep his promise.

After missing him twice, Haruka wondered if Makoto had given up on him. He wondered still why he had made the promise anyway. After getting Makoto home, Haruka was under no obligation to see him again. He had done the good deed, and should be guilt-free by now. But if what Makoto confessed that night was true, that must mean he probably was under a lot of stress. Part of Haruka did not want anyone else to have to shoulder the burden of finding Makoto in such a distressed state again. Another part of him was eager to feel that strange warmth one more time.

Whatever the reason, Haruka had made his decision as he slowly made his way across the courtyard towards the fully set up booth. Makoto looked sharp in a plaid button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up to show strong arms that were waving animatedly as he seemed to be explaining something to some students who had stopped at the booth. As they departed, Haruka accepted that this was his chance. Pressing passed the crowd, he came to the side of the table adjacent to Makoto.

The welcoming smile Haruka received made all the worry he had experienced almost worth it. Almost.

Now that he was here, the reality of expected conversation hit him hard. What was he supposed to say? Hey, sorry I bumped into you when you were crying like a baby. So, did you eventually stop crying? Your eyes don’t look swollen, that’s a good sign. When you said you lost a friend, did you mean you guys broke up or like, they died? So I know I have had more than my share of animal crackers, but I’m finding I really like them. Can I have a couple more?

Haruka was paralyzed in fear. Nothing he could think to say sounded at all reasonable to mention to someone just short of being a stranger. Makoto, however, took his silent struggle in stride and easily summoned conversation out of thin air.

“Ah, Haru! You made it! I was starting to worry I had really scared you off. Kou-san actually had told me you were by yesterday, so I guess I shouldn’t have been too worried. Anyway, I was just about to clean up here, and go grab something to eat. Do you like ramen? I know this nice place that’s really close by. Oh, but maybe you already have eaten. Uh, well, we could go for something light? Coffee? Ice cream? Uh, but its been so cold lately, maybe—“

“Ramen is good.”

“Yeah? Perfect! Just give me a second while I clean this up and drop it off at my locker. Do you have any classes soon?”

Makoto spoke so animatedly and easily. It was nothing like how he was that Tuesday night. Instead of an emotion-clogged voice and glassy eyes, his voice was light and casual. His eyes shone a warm green that reminded Haruka of sunlight passing through tree leaves. It was almost like Tuesday night had never happened.

Friday’s schedule only included two morning classes, so Haruka’s afternoon was fairly free. He only had practice that evening, and an assignment to turn in online before midnight. So he obediently followed Makoto as he grabbed the couple of the valuable items off the booth table, and began walking towards the life science building. Lockers were available for rent throughout the buildings on campus, so Haruka could only guess that Makoto frequented this building often to have chosen his locker here.

As they walked, Makoto continued to speak easily, asking Haruka questions occasionally. The soft grunts Haruka would give in answer were somehow enough for Makoto to spring off of in long, twisting anecdotes that usually ended in a rambling apology.

Haruka soaked in every word like a sponge. He was fascinated by just how open Makoto was, and how easy it was to understand the story just by listening to the variations in pitch Makoto used as he spoke.

It was not long before they came to a little open-air ramen shop located southeast of campus. Surprisingly, it was not terribly crowded despite it being peak business hours. Makoto ducked beneath the noren that hung across the storefront, and easily took a seat at the end of the dining counter. Without hesitation, he patted the stool next to him. Haruka obediently accepted the seating arrangement, and slid into place beside Makoto.

After a moment of studying the admittedly modest menu, Makoto gestured with the tilt of his head for Haruka to place his order. The woman behind the register caught Haruka’s eye, her hand at the ready to punch in his chosen item.

“The miso ramen with pork,” Haruka decided, believing a classic choice was the safest option.

“Ah, make that two please! Bill me for both,” Makoto cut in immediately. Haruka quickly gave him a reproachful glare to which Makoto easily side-stepped with a shrug of his shoulders and a tilt of his head.

“I told you I owed you. Please let me, just this time.” He finished the excuse with another dumb smile before turning to watch their meal be prepared on the other side of the counter.

This guy really knew how to unapologetically get under Haruka’s skin. All without even offering a hint of annoyance or hindrance. How he managed to be so smooth and unassuming truly baffled Haruka. It left him feeling like the base of some joke. No one could be this pleasant to be around so soon.

Two large, steaming bowls were placed before them in record time. Makoto handed Haruka a pair of chopsticks. After giving their thanks for the meal, they easily split the utensils apart and began to eat.

The broth was satisfyingly warm, and had just the right level of miso flavor when combined with the noodles and greens. Taking a moment to look up from his meal, Haruka watched Makoto from the corner of his eye. He looked to be enjoying his meal thoroughly. The broth splattering a little as he hungrily slurped up his noodles in the appropriate fashion. Haruka found the situation to be unexpectedly cozy. In this quiet little corner with warm food, elbow to elbow with an interesting person. Just for a moment, reality was nothing more than the slight chill the wind brought as it brushed at their backs.

Too soon, both bowls were empty. Makoto handed the payment to the woman who had taken their order, and both repeated their gratitude before turning to brave the cold again. Makoto easily guided Haruka to the path back to campus, a relaxed smile spread across his face. Hardly a word had been spoken since the beginning of their meal. Not for the first time did Haruka wonder what Makoto was thinking.

When they reached the entrance back to campus, Makoto paused in his step. Haruka turned towards him expectantly.

“I really enjoyed that, Haru. Its been awhile since I shared a good meal with a friend.”

Haruka could feel the good-bye in the air. How Makoto was making the appropriate ties, ready to head off in a different direction. Probably to never meet up again. The thought suddenly made Haruka uneasy, almost desperate to stave off the departure just another minute or two. He had not had such a companionable meal since his grandmother was taken. He had not realized how cold he had been.

“I actually have to get going. I have some club stuff to get to. But we should do this again sometime.”

The offer was empty, and they both knew it. Student life was busy, and unless you made socializing a priority it would never happen. Haruka would not have this. Yes, he had chosen to live in a private apartment instead of in communal dorm life. He had chosen to turn down all those parties his teammates seemed to always frequent. He had chosen not to speak more than a sentence to anyone in who knows how long.

But today, he was going to choose not to let Makoto go just yet.

Haruka pulled out his phone, opening up a new contact page.

“Are you open next Friday?”

The stunned look Makoto held was the most authentic expression Haruka had seen from him all day. He quickly regained his composure however, and pulled out his own phone.

“Yeah. Lunch would work great for me,” Makoto confirmed, quickly scanning his calendar for any interferences. “Meet me at the same spot?”

Haruka hummed his agreement, handing over his phone for Makoto to enter his contact information in. It was a motion he had seen so many of his classmates do, but his own hands moved awkwardly with the exchange. He accepted Makoto’s phone as well, typing in his number with unsteady fingers. He checked that it was correct three times before they exchanged the devices back to their rightful owners.

“It will be something exciting to look forward to,” Makoto confessed as he slipped his phone back into his jean pocket. “I really do have to get going though. See you next week, then?”

“Yeah,” Haruka breathed as he watched Makoto take a couple steps backwards, a thoughtful smile slipping in to replace the usual blinding one he plastered on so readily. Turning, Makoto made his way down the path off campus. Haruka watched him go until he turned a corner and was gone.

He probably should head to the library to start on his assignment. Or visit the track to get some laps in like his coach was always scolding him to do. But Haruka felt content in just standing below the flaming waves of autumn leaves as they rustled with the breeze. His thoughts lost somewhere in their branches.

A pulsing buzz in his pocket brought him back to where he was standing. Pulling out his phone again, a warmth spread evenly across his cheeks. It was a text message from Makoto thanking him again for sharing a meal with him. As if released from a spell, Haruka slowly turned to walk through the entrance to campus. His phone pressed tightly to his chest.


	2. Volunteer

The following Friday, they went to lunch at a pan-fried noodle place. The next Friday they tried an okonomiyaki place that Haruka had always thought looked interesting. The last Friday of the month, Makoto volunteered to bring bento since his funds were running a little low with rent due soon. Haruka brought bento to share the next week since Makoto’s bento from the previous week had to be thrown away. Learning that Makoto was a terrible cook was one of many things Haruka had noticed during their lunches together.

Makoto did not like carrots. Haruka noted that he picked them out of his noodle dish, and then asked specifically not to include them in his pancake the week after. So when Haruka made their bento, he made sure to include a cucumber garnish instead of his usual carrot flower. He had to threaten Makoto with silence to get the astonished man to quiet down his compliments.

Makoto was very quick to compliment. Any time Haruka did much more than what was standard, Makoto would respond with an exclamation just short of all out applause. This was especially so when he brought up an article from the University’s online paper about the new swimmers on the school’s swim team. A picture of Haruka swimming his preferred freestyle stroke was the banner for the article, and he had already received more attention than he ever wanted because of it. Makoto had spent the extra amount to have it printed in color to show Haruka, and was incessant about how cool Haruka looked swimming. Haruka was never quite successful in getting Makoto to calm down about that one.

Most of all, Haruka learned that Makoto really, really, _really_ liked animals. Every time they passed a person walking their dog, Makoto would instantly abandon his mostly one-sided conversation to drop down to his knees to greet the animal. He would always ask permission before attempting to pet the animal with varying results. One instance, the dog went into such a frenzy of barking that the owner had to drag it away, yelling at Makoto to keep his distance. Haruka had been shocked by the undeserved verbal attack. Makoto cooed and gave a small wave as the dog and his owner stormed away.

The same went for cats. Makoto seemed to know every stray cat that crossed their path. Though they seemed more wary, Makoto usually was able to win them over with a treat he always had stowed away in his backpack. One Friday when Makoto joined Haruka for the bento he had prepared, a band-aid obscured Haruka’s view of the freckles that dotted his left cheek. Makoto bashfully explained that he had gotten too close to a mother and her kittens. At this point, Haruka had to resign to the fact that animals were to Makoto what water was to Haruka. An unexplainable attraction that he really had no right to judge.

Just as Haruka always made time for his morning and evening soak in his bathtub, Makoto always had to end their Friday adventures at exactly 1pm so he could go take care of “club stuff”. On their sixth consecutive lunch meeting, Haruka’s curiosity bested him. This time Haruka was treating at his favorite street vendor where they sold fried mackerel served on sticks. Makoto had just finished his first serving, and about to bite into his second when Haruka managed to voice his question.

“So what exactly does your club do?” What is so important that you always have to leave me so soon…

It was embarrassing to admit that after all this time, Haruka still did not understand how the pet lovers club could contend with all the other responsibilities he knew Makoto had. Makoto was a full-time student studying bioengineering and worked a part-time job at the school bookstore. What about animal advocacy was enough to compete with Makoto’s other rigorous responsibilities enough so that he would be president of its club?

“Animal Advocacy Association?” Makoto clarified, lowering his stick of mackerel. “You never checked out our website?”

The flyer Makoto had first given him ended up in the wash with the rest of his laundry. Haruka found it again as a misshapen lump of shriveled paper, and threw it away without a second thought.

Haruka broke eye contact with a guilty shrug.

“I guess I need to rewrite my script if I can’t even get my friends to look up the website. No wonder its going so poorly,” Makoto mumbled to himself. Again, he was able to take Haruka’s mistake and somehow turn it into an error on his part. Haruka nudged him softly to discourage any more self-criticizing. Makoto managed a half smile in apology.

“Animal Advocacy is kinda like welfare for animals. An advocate acts as a voice for the animals. The goal is to protect their rights as living beings. Um, to put it more simply. I work to make the lives of animals better.”

Haruka had heard the word welfare tossed around in the news and several time in his politics class (a class he often chose to doodle through instead of listen in). As far as he knew, welfare was for poor people who did not have anyone else to turn to for help. He knew many people had heated opinions on it, but he was a member of the “doesn’t affect me, I don’t care” team. He had not heard it applied to animals, however.

“You work with endangered animals?” Haruka hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. It was embarrassing how oblivious he was.

“That could be part of it. Our school has a whole other club dedicated to animal trafficking, and another for animal testing. But my club focuses on helping animals in our community. We work with a couple of the nearby shelters, and try to negotiate with big businesses about sponsorship or education. Actually, today I will be helping one of the shelters transport some of their larger dogs to another shelter with more space.”

The way Makoto spoke made it clear that this was something he was deeply passionate about. His tone of voice was knowing, like the things he was saying were more than words to him. How Makoto was willing to work hands on at shelters while still maintaining his grades and finances baffled Haruka. Where did he get the time and energy? The amount of effort Haruka extended when meeting with Makoto was exhausting, but it was an hour he felt was well worth it. He knew Makoto sacrificed countless hours to his club. How did he have time to even sleep?

Makoto seemed to understand Haruka’s silent confusion, and instantly came up with a solution.

“Next week, do you want to come with me to one of the shelters after lunch?”

Haruka’s mind was instantly filled with more questions. Were the shelters safe? He was not allowed to exert his body too much with a swim meet coming up. Would it be a permanent thing? Would he have to get some sort of license to permit him to care for the animals? Weren’t rabies a thing he should be worried about?

The expression Haruka’s face had morphed into made Makoto nearly choke on the bite of mackerel he had taken. Red-faced, Haruka watched as Makoto struggled between laughter and coughing. Just because this was new to him did not mean he didn’t have some pride to maintain. When Makoto was able to bring himself back together, he quickly apologized.

“I didn’t mean to be rude, Haru! You just got this weird look on your face, and it was so cute. I couldn’t help myself. Really though, I will be better. And I really am sorry for laughing like that. It actually kinda hurt.”

At being called cute, all anger Haruka had for Makoto had instantly deflated. Red-faced now for all sorts of reasons he did not care to identify, Haruka offered Makoto his water bottle as an act of forgiveness. Makoto accepted it eagerly, and took several gulps. Clearing his throat, he continued.

“Its really okay if you don’t want to though. People can visit shelters as volunteers. If you were to visit, it would be as a volunteer. All you do is play with them. Just a couple minutes gives them a chance to exercise and socialize. Just that much can have a huge impact on their health.”

Haruka rolled the idea around in his mind. He had no particular opinion regarding animals. They sometimes were nice to look at, but he had never had a pet of his own. He was not really sure what playing even entailed. But as he returned Makoto’s gaze, he did not feel as uncertain anymore. If he got to be with Makoto, it could not be that bad.

“Just playing with them.”

“Just playing.”

“No strings attached.”

“No strings.”

“What would be a good bento to have before going to an animal shelter?”

Makoto laughed, Haruka’s acceptance to his invitation was unsaid but distinctly heard. Haruka watched Makoto as his laughter died down and smile changed into a contemplative expression.

“Definitely green curry.”

 

* * *

 

The green curry Haruka prepared for Makoto had him practically howling. Or he would, if he were not so determined to keep his mouth filled with what he assured Haruka was the best green curry he had ever had. He also made Haruka promise never to tell his mother that.

While Makoto enthusiastically ate the meal, Haruka also was having difficulty bridling his own excitement. Today he was about to go somewhere with Makoto. The toll of the hour would not mean the end of their time together. He would get to watch Makoto where he was the most passionate. See a fire in Makoto that he had only seen sparks of during their conversations. The promise of what this all could mean tempted Haruka to smile just as widely as Makoto was. He stuffed another clump of rice into his mouth as an attempt to keep his expression neutral.

Wrapping the plastic boxes back up into their respective holders and tucking them into their bags, the two of them stood from their table in the dining hall and began to make the journey through the crowds to exit the building.

October was nearing its end, and the cold had become a true force to contend with. There was still a good month before snow would start to fall, but chapped lips and red hands forced students to dress warmly and lounge inside rather than at the outdoor tables.

Haruka could not help but appreciate how his blue peacoat complimented Makoto’s green parka.

The two of them walked side by side, heading southeast of campus. Makoto waived casually at the owner of the ramen stall they had first visited together. Haruka wondered if it was a place Makoto frequented sheerly because of its vicinity between campus and the animal shelter. Again, Haruka was left to wonder just how much time Makoto spent at this animal shelter.

After several more blocks of walking, Makoto stopped in front of what Haruka guessed was once a house. A sign hung next to the door however, setting the facility apart as an animal shelter. Makoto walked up the entrance steps without hesitation. He opened the front door and beckoned Haruka to step inside.

The insides of the house had been considerably renovated. Outside, the house looked rather humble with loose wood paneling and a peeling sign. Inside, the walls were cleanly plastered and the floor was a neutral linoleum. Comfortably lit and warm, the inside was much more welcoming than the outside. Haruka instantly recognized Kou sitting behind the front desk, an older model PC monitor flickering before her as she typed away on its keyboard. As Makoto closed the door behind them, she looked up unsurprised.

“So he came,” Kou acknowledged cooly, a smile sneaking its way onto her face. “You can hang your coats right over there.”

Haruka turned to see Makoto already slipping out of his parka. After hanging it on a hook, he helped Haruka out of his peacoat and hung it up as well. Kou walked around the front counter with a clipboard in hand.

“This is just a little info sheet for first time volunteers. Carefully read the highlighted portions and sign where the X’s are.”

Haruka glanced at Makoto nervously. He was calmed by a reassuring smile.

“Its just some safety stuff. Things to remember so that you and the animals stay healthy and safe.” The way Makoto said it so automatically made Haruka guess that he had been the person behind the front desk plenty of times as well.

Haruka noted that he was supposed to sanitize his hands between each interaction with different animals. He also was supposed to wear one of the provided aprons. A peek at Makoto showed that he already had donned an apron on. Paw prints and cat faces patterned random lines across his wide torso and cinched at his narrow waist. Haruka willed himself to finish his paperwork.

After properly signing in, Haruka washed his hands and tied his own apron on. Makoto then led him to the left hallway. Three doors lined the hall, and Makoto opened the first. What might have been a bedroom now was a holding space for several dogs. On either side of the door, the walls were lined in glass cases, two across and two high. Each unit held three small dogs, tails waggling and noses pressed against the glass in eager curiosity.

“This is where the smaller dogs are kept,” Makoto instructed, stepping into the room like it was his own. The chorus of welcoming barks and yips drew Haruka inside as well.

Each unit had three name tags with pictures and a bit of information about each dog. Haruka began to read.

“My name is Usa. I love playing with other dogs my size. If its just us, I love to snuggle and take naps. I don’t mind vet or grooming appointments. A dog like me doesn’t stay long in a shelter, so take me to my forever home while I am still available!”

Below the bio, a small background was also given: “Previous owner became too ill for care”.

“Kou writes those bios for the animals. It really helps introduce potential owners to the animal’s personality,” Makoto explained from behind Haruka. His mouth dangerously close to Haruka’s ear.

Makoto shifted passed Haruka then to open the door to Usa’s unit. He picked up a yapping brown dog with both arms. Securing the door closed so that Usa’s unit mates would stay inside, Makoto then turned to show Usa properly to Haruka.

Her fur was fairly short, though her tail whipped back and forth like a feather duster. Pink tongue stuck out, dipping as she panted in excitement. Makoto ruffled up her coat as he gave her a thorough rub down.

“Usa came in last week. She is currently in the adoption process with some newlyweds. She is such a good girl. Going to have such a great, new family.” Usa licked the back of his hand in agreement.

Makoto tilted her downward in offering, but Haruka declined. He did not feel comfortable with cuddling up quite yet. Nodding in understanding, Makoto slipped Usa back into her unit and secured it closed once again.

For the next 15 minutes, Makoto and Haruka moved around the room. Haruka silently read each info tag. Some dogs had only been there for weeks. Other dogs had been there for months. Some were still considered puppies, while some were old and lay quietly in their blanketed beds. All watched him with interest as he went from unit to unit. Haruka tried not to feel guilty as he read each of their wishes for a “forever families”.

Reading the states in which most of these dogs were taken in was even harder for Haruka to swallow.

Abandoned.

Abandoned with siblings.

Owner could not afford all animals.

Owners divorced.

Found in park.

New infant was allergic.

But the bios always seemed to twist the circumstances the dog came from into endearing qualities perfect for companionship and love. Haruka also appreciated that each unit was kept clean and well maintained. Though they were not the homes the pets seemed to wish for, what they had did not look too bad either.

After Makoto had greeted each animal and sanitized his hands again, they left the room and returned to the hallway. Makoto opened the door at the end and ushered Haruka in.

This room opened to what Haruka could have guessed was once a garage. However, insulation and drywall had been applied and now the room served as a make-shift home to 10 large dogs. Their greeting call was distinctly louder than the first room they had been in.

Due to their size, the units could not be stacked on top of each other. Instead, the dogs were divided into fenced stalls, five in total. Each contained two dogs, their name tag and picture clipped to the wire gate of their stall. In one of the cages was also a blond boy.

“Mako-chan! You came back!” the boy exclaimed, jumping up with as much excitement as the dogs surrounding him. “And you brought somebody!”

“Nagisa, this is Haru. We attend the same university,” Makoto explained as he gestured towards Haruka with an open palm. “And Haru, this is Nagisa. He attends a high school nearby, of which he probably is skipping at the moment.”

Makoto’s usual controlled expression went dark then. “You really should not be skipping class, Nagisa.”

“Oh, Mako-chan. Today was boring. Its so much better to be here with my friends than slaving away over there. Isn’t that right, guys!?”

The room echoed with barks and howls as the dogs responded to Nagisa’s excited inflection.

“See what I mean?” Nagisa drawled as he let himself out of the enclosure. “Can’t kick me out, I belong here!”

Makoto’s dark expression gave way to exasperation. Haruka watched the exchange with interest. Makoto had a mothering streak that fascinated him.

They went around the room in a similar fashion as they had before. Haruka read each of the bios, and Makoto played with each dog. Though he was gentle, the dogs seemed perfectly delighted in being wound up and patted thoroughly. Nagisa cheered as if it were a wrestling match, calling names of attacks Haruka was sure came more from a recent shounen anime than any wrestling manual. Eventually, Nagisa excused himself as he hooked one of the dogs on a leash to take her for a walk. Makoto warned him to stick to authorized routes, but Nagisa was already out the door.

By the time Haruka had finished reading, Makoto was sweaty from all the rough play. Many of the older dogs were panting, choosing to lie on their pillow beds instead of pacing around like the younger dogs were. Makoto waved good-bye as he guided Haruka out the door. A chill ran through Haruka as he felt their eyes on him, the door only muffling their calls as it swung shut.

Heading back to the front room, Makoto slipped out of his apron and began washing his hands. Haruka followed suit, untying his apron and moving to grab their coats.

“Don’t you want to see the cats?” Kou piped from her seat at the desk.

Makoto turned around, drying his hands with a paper towel. “Yes! Sorry about the confusion Haru. I switch aprons between animals. The cats tend to not like you as much when you smell like dog. Your apron is probably still okay though.”

Haruka tied his apron again, watching as Makoto did the same. This time the apron had fish skeletons and chew bones dancing lines across Makoto’s chest. Haruka was grateful his own only had a fish printed on the front pocket.

The other side of the building was comparably much quieter than where they had come from. The first room opened up similarly to the first room on the dog side. Units with glass doors lined the walls. These were smaller than the dog ones, and had an added ledge for the cats to climb on. Measuring four units across and two high, each only had one cat residing inside. Most did not bother to bat an eye as Makoto and Haruka walked inside.

“I really like the dogs and their energy, but the cats are really great to relax with afterwards.” Makoto disclosed shyly, as if he were admitting about a favorite child instead of a species of animal. “Most just let you hold them. If you scratch them the right way, they purr. I used to like coming here after a big test or presentation.”

Makoto unhooked one of the cages, and gently coaxed a big gray cat into his arms. The cat room provided a chair for visitors to use. Makoto settled into it, the cat pliant in his hold. Haruka watched secretly from where he stood next to the first unit. The way Makoto rocked the animal reminded Haruka of a father and his infant. Balancing strong and protective with tenderness and vulnerability. Makoto even began to hum absently as he rubbed the side of the cat’s belly. Haruka struggled concentrating on the tags.

Until one caught his eye.

The picture was of a thin black cat with startlingly blue eyes.  It had been at the shelter for three months.

“My name is Ocha. I am quiet, and like to keep to my own space. But once we become good friends, I love to cuddle up close when I take my naps. I’m not like other cats because I actually like water! If you aren’t careful, I just might join you in the bath. Swimming is the best. Will you swim with me?”

“Owner was elderly and passed away.”

Ocha stared at Haruka from her perch on the blanketed ledge. Haruka stared back with just as much focus.

“Do you want to hold her?” Makoto asked, surprising the two from their staring match. The gray cat he had been holding was safely secured again. Haruka managed a shaky nod.

Ocha was quiet as Makoto took her into his arms. Unlike some of the other cats that meowed shrilly from their units, Ocha kept her gaze level on Haruka. Makoto gestured for him to take a seat. He could feel his hands clam up as he watched Makoto hold onto Ocha for a couple seconds more. Eventually, he crouched low and maneuvered Ocha’s supple body into Haruka’s arms.

First, Haruka noticed that the cat was much heavier than he had initially thought. Her body fit in the crevasses of his arms like warm putty. Her heat expanding against him with patterned breaths. What really shocked Haruka however was the total acceptance he felt immediately. This cat did not care who he was or what he did. As long as he held her just like this, she seemed to be content with him. Felt safe with him. She trusted him.

And he felt overwhelming comfortable with her. Captivated even.

Vaguely, Haruka heard the door open and close as Makoto disappeared down the hall. But the slight purr that rolled against him had Haruka cemented in his seat. He watched carefully as Ocha’s big blue eyes slanted and then closed. She lowered her head against his shoulder, and Haruka experienced the miracle of holding a sleeping cat for the first time.

A living, breathing being had chosen him as their safe place. Safe enough to sleep with. Safe enough to risk everything with. The loneliness Ocha must feel without her previous owner struck Haru then. He could understand that. Loneliness was what drove him here. Makoto made Haruka feel as comfortable as Ocha must feel with him. Safe. Important. Cared-for.

Suddenly, Haruka was overcome with the desire for Makoto to be at his side again. When would he be back from wherever he had disappeared to? Haruka would have texted him if not for the blessing that slept in his arms. He would not dare disturb her from her noble sleep. So Haruka waited patiently along with the 15 other cats in the room for Makoto to come back.

The window behind him gave a clue of the time. The day had been fairly overcast, but now evening dusk darkened the outside world. Had they really been there so long? His arms were feeling stiff, and he really wanted to adjust the position of his legs. Ocha slept on undisturbed, innocently declining Haruka permission to move an inch. A small panic started to trill inside his head. Where was Makoto?

The door opened just when Haruka felt he could not last any longer. But the man who stepped in had carefully styled blue hair and red glasses. He was distinctly not Makoto.

“Ah, you must be Haru-san!” the man identified instantly, stepping in and closing the door behind him. “What are you doing in here all by yourself? Makoto-san knows that first time volunteers must be supervised.”

Haruka did not know what to say. Was he in trouble? Who was this man to be at the shelter dressed so professionally in a full suit and tie? What was he supposed to do about Ocha? And where was Makoto?

“No need to panic!” the man reassured Haruka. “My name is Ryugazaki Rei. I am one of the assistant veterinarians. Here, let me help you with her.”

Haruka jolted back as Rei bent to take Ocha away from him.

“She’s sleeping!” he blurted.

“And I am sure your arms are too. Its okay, she will fall right back asleep once she is in her cage,” Rei said as he slid his arms beneath her hind legs and stomach. Ocha’s slanted eyes opened just for a moment at the exchange. She did not seem bothered at all. Once inside her unit, she stretched out with a toothy yawn before curling into a corner to sleep again.

Haruka felt vaguely used as he watched her nonchalance. He did not regret holding her, but the burn he felt in his arms would not have hurt so much had there been some cat-equivalent to a thank you.

“I think I might have heard Makoto-san at the front. The shift just changed, so Rin-san should be up there as well.”

Haruka attempted to follow him out, but his legs protested when he tried to stand up. The sharp prick of knives danced up and down his legs as his nerves woke from their constricted sleep.

“Take it slowly. Cats are beautiful creatures, but they also can be very demanding. Remember to take care of yourself. If I hadn’t of come in here, who knows how long she would have had you sit there.”

Once he felt steady on his feet, he followed Rei into the hallway. Drawled meows muted as the door closed. Haruka left reluctantly; his mind occupied by blue eyes and black fur. He stopped himself only just short of colliding with Rei, the man frozen in spot. Haruka recognized Makoto’s voice coming from the front room. It sounded higher than usual.                                                                   

“I can’t! I just can’t anymore! Do you have any idea what just today is doing to me? Rin, please—”

“Shit, Makoto. I know! We all know! But we need you. THEY need you! Everyday there are more, and we just can’t—”

Rei’s voice intervened, and Haruka realized that he had been left alone in the hallway.

“Gentlemen, you know how raised voices affect the animals. I won’t have any more fighting in this lobby.”

Two apologies, one familiar and the other grumbled followed Rei’s reprimanding.

“Makoto-san, I found your friend alone in the C.A. room. Please be more responsible with the animals and our first time volunteers.”

“Haru’s still in there?!”

“Don’t worry, I took care of it. He will be out shortly.”

Makoto’s voice colored a sigh.

“I was worried that this all was too much for him. But he really seemed to like Ocha, and I thought maybe he would feel more open if I left them alone.”

The unknown voice, someone Haruka supposed was Rin, replied.

“Leaving first timers alone. God, you really are losing it.”

The voice bothered Haruka. Not wanting to hear any more of it, he stepped into the front room.

“Makoto, I’m ready to go.”

Where Kou had been sitting that afternoon now stood a strong-looking man with shoulder-length red hair and sharp eyes. Silver reflected the ceiling light, highlighting the piercings decorating his face. The ferocity of his appearance intimidated Haruka. But he wouldn’t back down after hearing the way the man had spoken to Makoto.

“Please wash your hands before you head out,” Rei instructed, hand extended to collect Makoto and Haruka’s aprons.

The room was silent as Haruka washed up. He carefully examined Makoto from the corner of his eye. The tall man looked as torn as a child watching his parents argue. His usually broad shoulders were drawn tight, and the muscles of his neck protruded sharply. He refused to lift his gaze from the floor. He exuded fear with devastating disparity to all the warmth Haruka knew Makoto was capable of.

Before Haruka could finish drying his hands, Rin spoke again. This time his voice was softer, his front teeth occasionally catching on the stud hanging below his lower lip as he thought of the right words to say.

“I just don’t like it, Makoto… There has to be a way where… We just have to be stronger and then maybe…”

“We all feel that way,” Rei cut in, saving Makoto who seemed to be shrinking even more into the ground. “And we are all trying our best. We have to remember how far we have come, and how many have been saved. Makoto-san, please take that to heart.”

Haruka slipped into his peacoat, not bothering to fasten the buttons. He grabbed Makoto’s parka, and then, without bothering to think of the implications, Makoto’s hand. The action brought Makoto back to life, his gaze shooting from their shared grasp to Haruka’s face. His mouth cracked into a shape pretending to be a smile, but his eyes still seemed to reflect horror. Haruka’s heart sank down into his stomach with a painful twist.

Please, Makoto. Don’t smile for my sake.

Turning to Rei, Haruka excused their departure with a bow. “Thank you for having me.”

“Thank you for your time,” Rei finished as he returned the gesture.

With a tug of his hand, Haruka pulled Makoto outside. The sudden cold compared to the heat and tension from inside gave Haruka a moment of clarity. They stood on the front porch for a time. Their breath exhaling out in fleeting clouds while city lights glowed around them. Makoto gave Haruka’s hand a squeeze before letting go. He slipped on his parka and they began the walk back to campus.

Haruka usually preferred silence. He had even shared several silences with Makoto. But this case was not like any of the times before. It was suffocating and heavy. Like walking home alone but feeling like someone was walking behind you. Every hair on your body at attention but only air as your witness. Makoto usually was able to ease Haruka’s anxieties with the calm ebb of meaningless conversation. But there was a storm inside Makoto, and Haruka needed to be the one to guide him back to shore.

“The friend that you lost,” Haruka began, offering a light for Makoto to orient himself with before he continued, “was that Rin?”

Makoto paused in his step. Exhaling a long plume of breath before straightening, his eyes searched the sky for hidden stars. Neon lights caught between his lashes, creating stars of their own. He was the most beautiful person Haruka had ever met. But at that moment, he also was the most broken.

Closing his eyes, Makoto let his face fall. When he opened them again, the stars had disappeared.

“No. No he wasn’t.”

 Makoto walked over and took a seat at a street bench, and Haruka followed.

“Rin isn’t a bad guy. Sometimes he just loves so much that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Everyone at the shelter struggles with that. Not knowing what to do.”

“I think I feel the same.”

Makoto shifted his position, turning to meet Haruka’s eyes for the first time since they had left.

“Are you ok?” he asked, concern strong in his voice. Haruka met his gaze, not sure how to say all that he felt.

“It was painful. Seeing all them. Reading their stories. I don’t know if I ever want to go back.”

It was a statement that Haruka wished was not true. But seeing those units, cages even. All of their occupants sectioned off and cramped inside. Eyes watching him. Voices pleading for him. Desperate for attention. Some level affection that might promise love. A home that might last.

He wished doors did more than just hide the eyes and muffle the voices.

Haruka could almost see himself reflected in Makoto’s eyes. He knew he understood.

“You don’t have to go back if you don’t want to. I’m sorry I brought you into this.”

Gripping the fabric that lined his coat pocket, Haruka felt the words battle at the back of his throat.

He did not feel regret in going. In a way, he was thankful that Makoto had brought him there. He had gotten to see a side of Makoto that ironed collared shirts and formal recruiting pitches could not begin to cover. The way he teased the small dogs, their yips rising in crescendo as Makoto scrunched their faces in well placed scratches. The tumbles he re-enacted again and again with each big dog. Sweat wrinkling his shirt, but adding extra shine to his beaming face. The understanding he had when Haruka held Ocha and suddenly nothing else mattering in the world. Knowing that Haruka needed time to just feel the experience.

What Haruka regretted most was the new knowledge that, somehow, Makoto held himself responsible for every life in that shelter. Not only for the dozens of animal lives inside, but for Kou, Nagisa, Rei, Rin… And now Haruka himself. Every time Makoto smiled, he was putting on a brave face not for his own sake, but for the sake of all those he was protecting.

The very face that looked at him now, smile pinned on with needles and eyes desperate to hide the truth.

“Makoto… you don’t have to—”

A strong vibration jolted them both alert. Makoto pulled out his phone, shaking his head when he realized it was not his ringtone. Haruka wrangled his out as well, his mother’s contact lighting the screen.

Shooting Makoto a look before excusing himself, Haruka stood up and took a couple steps away before answering.

“Mom?”

“Oh, Haruka! I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. You have a terrible habit of not answering. Not that you don’t have other bad habits. But I of course love you all the same.”

His knew this tone of his mother’s voice. She usually was a calm woman, so her prattling usually meant something. He had distinctly heard this several times in his life. Like when she announced that she would be moving out to live with his father. Or when she told him that he no longer could take care of Grandmother on his own.

The way her pitch narrowed at the end of each sentence, like the words were rebelling against her. It was exactly like when she had told him that Grandmother would be staying in a nursing home from now on.

“What is it, Mom?

Haruka struggled to keep his voice low, painfully aware of Makoto behind him.

“I’m so sorry dear. If we had known, I would have had us all go down to be with her.”

“What happened to Grandmother?”

“You see, she—her health…”

Haruka couldn’t remember if he was standing or sitting. Was not sure where he even was. Not sure if he was even breathing. He felt arms around him, but had no idea if they were restraining him or embracing him. All he could hear were his mother’s words on repeat through his mind.

“Your grandmother passed away this morning. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner, dear.”


	3. Adopt

The services were held in his hometown that Sunday. It was a small coastal town his grandmother had lived her entire life in. The fog had been thick that day. Haruka vehemently kept his back to the sea she had taught him to love.

He was back in his apartment by Monday morning. His mother had contacted his professors and coaches, excusing his absence for the day though she promised he would return on Tuesday. He spent his freedom in his bath. The water long gone cold, and his skin shriveled and thin. The water powerless in calming whatever had taken hold of his mind.

Tuesday, his coaches did not scold him for his pathetic times. His teammates did not berate him for straining the team just days before their next meet. No one said anything to him. And he did not have anything to say in return.

Wednesday, he had an art project due and a test to take. He handed in a canvas smeared in blacks and blues. An image of an empty bed visible if you squinted. The professor declined the submission, reminding him that the assignment had been for figure drawing. Haruka did not bother showing up for the test.

Thursday, Haruka lay awake in bed unable to close his eyes. Every time sleep called for him and his eyelids slackened, his vision would suddenly fill with eyes. Wide, animalistic eyes. Watching his every move, waiting for a sign of weakness. Ready to tear him apart as soon as he made a mistake. To punish him for ever leaving them there alone in the cold. For ever leaving her alone in the cold.

How long had she suffered all alone there?

Friday, there was a knock on the door. Then there were several more knocks on the door. Maybe even some shouting. Haruka was not sure. Where he was, awake or sleep or somewhere in between, his grandmother was as well. Her thin fingers brushing through his hair and soft song filling his dreams. He was happy.

He loved her so much.

A cold splash of water washed her smile away, and he jolted up in horrified shock, breath coming to him in painful gulps.

“Haru! Haru! Oh, god Haru please!”

The world was bright and his entire body felt heavy. Like his bones had disappeared and nothing was holding him together. Except two strong arms surrounding him. They were keeping him from disappearing. He rolled in, pressing his nose into a firm chest. It was so warm here.

“Come on, Haru. Talk to me. I know you hate talking, but do it for me. Come on. Haru!”

Haruka tried opening his eyes again. He didn’t like the brightness. But it seemed to have dimmed some now that he was pressed so close to the warmth. A hand touched his face, and he tried to focus on whose it was. His grandmother’s hands were thin and soft. These were too big and rough. He tried focusing on the blurry face in front of him.

Oh.

It was Makoto.

He was smiling. One of the smiles that looked a little broken. Like the ones he wore when he was desperately hiding something. Haruka wanted him to smile a real smile. One that urged flowers to chase away the winter snow and warmed frozen hearts.

Like this Makoto. Smile like I am smiling now.

 

* * *

 

Haruka woke to a dark room. He was in his apartment, blinds drawn shut. He moved them aside to see outside. City lights glistened passed his rain-streaked window. The patter of drops created a smooth tempo to the life bustling outside. Haruka shut the blinds and slipped out of the warmth of his bed.

His clock told him it was Friday night, just a little passed 10pm. His stomach told him that a little passed 10pm was far too long to have gone without eating. Some rice porridge sounded easy enough to make. Turning on his kitchen light, Haruka went to grab his cooking apron when a grumble from his living room scared the life out of him.

A kitchen knife in one hand, Haruka slowly walked over to peer passed his kotatsu. A soft snore and sleepy face had him quickly returning the knife to its block and tip toeing back to the man’s side.

What was Rin doing sleeping under his kotatsu?

Confused but not alarmed, he decided to let the man sleep for now. He would get some answers once he has eaten.

Haruka returned to the kitchen and began preparing the porridge. As he cooked the chicken, he wondered just where he had been the past week. He knew he had failed those major assignments on Wednesday. His swim meet had been this morning. His coaches were probably furious at him. He had not checked his phone since probably Sunday, and he had no desire to face that mess yet.

As Haruka shredded the ginger with a spoon, the cleansing aroma filled the air. He wondered if Makoto was okay. He had helped Haruka get to his apartment a week ago. Told him to contact him if he needed anything.

Guilt attempted to raise its ugly head, but it subsided as Haruka noticed the rice boiling in the broth. He didn’t really want to feel anything right now. Consequences and accountability were things muddied in reality. Right now, he just wanted to enjoy his meal.

As the porridge simmered, Haruka went into his room to change into some fresh clothes. The shirt he was wearing currently stuck uncomfortably to his skin. And the shorts were an old pair he avoided wearing. A long pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt kept him warm and comfortable. Heading next to his bathroom, he brushed his teeth. Something felt very amiss when he could not find any towels to dry his face with afterwards. A quick search revealed them all outside, laundered and drying on his covered balcony.

The sliding door squeaked just enough to wake Haruka’s unexpected guest. He supposed it was time to get some answers.

Filling two bowls with porridge and grabbing two spoons, Haruka took a seat across from Rin as he reluctantly seemed to fully rouse.

“So, the princess decided to wake up,” Rin teased, running a hand through his wild hair as he stretched.

Haruka pushed the second bowl forward, eyes watching Rin carefully.

“What are you doing here?” he asked flatly.

Rin took a bite of porridge before swearing and fanning his mouth. “You could have warned me that it was hot!” he seethed once he forced the mouthful down.

“You aren’t answering my question.”

“It was Makoto’s idea. I was just getting back from my shift at the shelter when he calls me up all demanding. Wants me to watch you while he does some stuff. Is there a reason you live on the eighth floor? With no elevator? Some sort of death wish…”

“Makoto was here?”

“Yeah, looked like he had seen a ghost. Drenched too. Not that I wasn’t either. Stupid rain.”

“No, why was he here?”

“Shouldn’t you know? Though judging by the front door, I think he broke in. What the hell have you been doing to scare Makoto like that?”

Haruka placed his spoon down, bowl only half empty. He had lost his appetite.

“I don’t know.”

Rin considered Haruka over his near empty bowl. Modified teeth chewing on his piercing once again.

“You are going through some shit, aren’t you?”

A crack and then a scratching noise alerted the two to the entryway where the door swung open, dangling precariously on only one hinge.

“Aye, Makoto! He’s alive and awake. I’d water him and put him in sunlight if it weren’t raining. Am I good to go?”

Makoto shut the door behind him, swinging a duffel bag and his backpack down as he struggled to slip off wet shoes. He nearly tripped over his things as he bounded over to the table. Despite the urgency to get in, he took the seat perpendicular to Haruka with caution. His focus pointedly scanning Haruka’s appearance rather than listening to anything Rin was saying.

“Makoto…” Haruka began, not sure what was happening. Fear bristled violently at his every nerve ending. Why wouldn’t Makoto look him in the eye?

Rin watched the two of them for a good three seconds before cracking his neck with a sigh.

“It looks like you guys need to talk. So I’m going to... you know…” Rin shuffled out of the kotatsu awkwardly. Grabbing his bag and coat, he stopped at the entryway. “If you need anything Haru. I’m actually just across the way. So… call me instead. Don’t scare Makoto like that again.”

The door swung with a whine and a crunch.

The sound of pounding rain filled the silence.

“Makoto.” Haruka had enough of these guessing games. His tone of voice should have been enough to spur Makoto into confessing the details.

“I’ll fix the door. I promise.”

“Makoto.”

“And don’t worry about the laundry. I think it will dry once the weather clears up.”

“Makoto.”

“And I swear I didn’t see anything! I just didn’t know what to do!”

“Makoto!”

The drumming rain seemed to intensify with Haruka’s exclamation. Makoto had shrunken down so low his chin was almost level with the kotatsu tabletop.

“I was so scared,” he finally whispered, green eyes haunted. “I was so so scared.”

“I’m fine, Makoto. Tell me what happened,” Haruka prompted, trying to control his panicking thoughts and be patient.

“I hadn’t heard from you in so long. After that night when you collapsed, I knew you weren’t doing okay. I figured you would be back on Monday, so I thought we could meet up or something. But you never got back to me. I thought maybe you needed some space. Wanted some time alone. I get all that. But when you didn’t show up for lunch today. I just got so worried. I came over as soon as I could, but you wouldn’t open the door. I got desperate. So I… broke it. And I’m really sorry about that!”

Haruka shook his head, the door could be fixed. “What did you find? Where was I?”

“Well, I couldn’t find you at first so I thought maybe I broke in for nothing. But then I checked your bathroom. You were so pale. I thought you were dead. I thought you had…” Makoto’s voice broke, the corner of his mouth pinching tightly as he tried to control himself. Haruka wanted to smooth all the worry lines away. Take his shaking hands in his own. Send whatever pain Makoto was feeling as far away as possible.

“But you were breathing!” Makoto bawled, voice weak though tears refused to fall. “I got you out of the bathtub, but you were so cold. You wouldn’t talk to me, but wouldn’t let me go. So I carried you to your bed, and stayed with you until you were properly asleep. I tried to keep your modesty, really. But I had to keep your warm. In order to dress you, I… well…”

“It’s fine, Makoto.”

“But I felt so bad. Here you were dying, and I was worrying about your decency.”

“I’m a swimmer. Hardly anything I have is private.”

“Haaaru!” The red of Makoto’s face put Haruka at ease. The break in tension almost bringing tears to his eyes. Haruka could bare an embarrassed Makoto better than a shattered one.

“So this was all about me falling asleep in the bath?”

“I wouldn’t say you were sleeping. You weren’t responding at all.”

Haruka knew what he meant. It was a habit of his to fall asleep in the bath. He had just never fallen asleep without recognizing he was there in the first place. Or not woken up properly. The last couple of days were still a blur to him.

Makoto continued to speak.

“While I was waiting for you to warm up, I just kept thinking. How long had you been there? What if I hadn’t forced my way in? Had you really spent the entire week like this? Just… lost?”

That’s exactly what Haruka was. Lost. He felt childish and irresponsible to have let himself so completely fall apart. But at the same time, he knew he did what he did because he had no other choice.  Yes, things could have gone worse. But he could not imagine himself being able to pull together anything much better. If Makoto had not shown up, who could say what would have happened. But he had, and Haruka felt that much more whole.

Makoto had stopped talking now. Likely also going down all the paths of possibility. What must have happened the past week. Considering just how else the night could have ended. Whatever the chances were, they were here now and Makoto needed to remember that.

“Thank you, Makoto. For worrying about me.”

Haruka meant every word. Makoto gave so much of himself to others at his own expense. And while Haruka did not like that he looked after himself so rarely, he was thankful that Makoto had been there. That he had found him.

And saved him so completely.

Makoto accepted Haruka’s words with shining eyes. Any lingering cold Haruka might have felt melted away as a true smile filled Makoto’s entire expression. Warm. Honest. Unassuming. It was the smile he loved most.

Shortly after, they both decided it was time for bed. Makoto insisted that he stay the weekend, and the idea made Haruka’s heart flutter. He tried to keep his happiness hidden as he spread out Makoto’s futon where the kotatsu had been.

While Makoto was getting ready in the bathroom a thought came to Haruka. He rolled the idea around as he waited for Makoto to finish. No matter how he tossed it, a feeling of peace warmed him.

Once Makoto was seated in his covers, Haruka lingered by his side. Makoto looked expectantly at Haruka through his glasses, contacts set aside for the night. Ever mindful, he waited as Haruka constructed his words.

Haruka was thankful for his patience, letting it fuel his courage to say what was swirling around in his mind but had settled in his heart.

“I want to adopt Ocha. I think I want be her forever family.”

The immediate change in Makoto’s expression cemented Haruka’s feelings. The man before him seemed to exude joy. Eyes bright with wonder, and mouth hanging open in silent exclamation. Chest expanding as delight filled him.

“HARU!”

And then suddenly arms were around him in a full bodied embrace. Haruka leaned back heavily on both hands, Makoto’s momentum nearly toppling them over. His senses were overloaded with everything Makoto. His weight settling against him, his voice exclaiming in his ear, his toe-curling scent lacing each inhale.

When they finally parted, Makoto’s face was red with some latent embarrassment from his exuberant display of happiness. Settling back into the futon, he unsuspectingly watched Haruka struggle to control his pounding heart.

“What made you decide?” he asked, impatient now at knowing the details.

It was a thought Haruka echoed. After having such an ultimately disturbing experience at the shelter and then letting all of his responsibilities slip through his fingers the past week, what brought on such an important decision? As the embarrassing heat from earlier slowly cooled, he studied the warmth that still seemed to radiate within him.

“I think my grandmother told me. She is waiting for me at the shelter with Ocha.”

Makoto’s expression calmed as Haruka explained, a smile still lighting his eyes as he listened.

“I know that Ocha won’t be able to be her,” Haruka admitted, voice edging now on watery. “But I think she doesn’t want me to be alone anymore.”

Makoto watched the tears build and then overflow. He took Haruka’s hand then, and gave it a gentle squeeze.

With Makoto at his side, Haruka let himself finally mourn the death of his grandmother.

 

* * *

 

It was Saturday afternoon. Once Makoto returned from his morning shift at the bookstore, they both bundled up and made the trek back to the animal shelter. On the way, Makoto explained that the adoption processes in Japan were extensive. It was a fact that Makoto confessed to Haruka rather reluctantly. But he quickly reassured that it was all with good purpose.

“We want each pet to go to a safe, loving home that they hopefully will enjoy the rest of their life in. While the shelter is a sanctuary of sorts for pets who are no longer wanted, forever families are the goal for every pet admitted. To be sure that pet misconduct does not continue and that they receive the lifestyle they deserve, the shelter must verify that adopters are completely committed in meeting their pet’s needs. That means questionnaires, interviews, documentation, visitation, fees, and even a class to teach you how to be the best pet owner. So, Ocha might not be coming home until later this week.”

Haruka could not help but smile at Makoto’s enthusiasm and commitment. He obviously had helped many other people through the steps, but his elation in having another animal being placed had not dimmed despite all the bureaucracy.

Makoto had looked through Haruka’s apartment before they had left. Haruka kept it very clean and organized, something Makoto admitted he personally struggled with in his own apartment. They also had visited the apartment complex office, and were happy to find that pets were allowed. Most apartments with tatami did not allow pets, but because Haruka’s floor was wood paneling, he was allowed a pet if he paid an additional fee with his monthly rent.

The processes did not bother Haruka much, especially after he saw Ocha the second time. Her gaze intent on his, expression seemingly omnipotent. She knew why Haruka was there, and was content in the decision made. She blinked her approval, ending the conversation.

Haruka went back to filling out his questionnaire. He was about halfway through, and had just finished detailing his past pet experiences. The next question bid him pause.

Why do you wish to adopt this animal?

When Makoto had asked that question, he had not been sure of an answer. Instead, he tried to relay exactly what he was feeling at the time. On paper, that answer seemed misplaced. The animal shelter did not care about his late-grandmother. Ocha was Ocha, not a replacement.

Glancing back at Ocha in her cage, Haruka hoped for some sort of inspiration. The cat continued to sleep, heedless of his struggle. He smiled at her dismissal.

His pen dipped back into motion.

“Because we make each other happy.”

It was an answer Amakata-san, the animal shelter owner, seemed to approve of when she interviewed him. With her approval and to both Makoto and Haruka’s excitement, the adoption was finalized.

After Haruka attended the animal care class taught by Kou Tuesday afternoon and Ocha received her necessary vaccinations from Rei on Wednesday, everything was set for the new family to head home together that Friday.

Or the family would have, had Makoto not insisted that he was busy that night and could not join Haruka and Ocha in their celebratory mackerel dinner.

“Sorry! There is just so much to do with the animals, I can’t come over tonight. Next time, lunch on me!” Had been Makoto’s excuse as he and Nagisa waved from the animal shelter entrance. Haruka trekked home, Ocha’s carrier occupying his hands. His thoughts occupied elsewhere.

An uncomfortable feeling (that had nothing to do with his new sleeping partner sprawled across his chest) settled within Haruka as he lay in his bed that night.


	4. Love

That promised lunch never came. Exams hit Haruka like a blizzard. What time Haruka didn’t spend in class or at practice, he spent locked up in his apartment. He usually preferred studying at the library or painting in one of the many studios in the art building. But he made the effort to be with Ocha as much as he could since she was still adjusting to his apartment.

The situation seemed to be the same for Makoto. Every time Haruka found a speck of free time, Makoto would decline any attempt at meeting up. Haruka knew his work and class schedules, but studying and volunteering seemed to be wild cards he always struck out on. Haruka refused to feel any animosity towards Makoto in his priorities. Still, something felt amiss whenever he tried to even text Makoto.

In the two weeks he had her, Haruka had learned a lot about Ocha. Things he knew Makoto would love to know. Ocha loved mackerel, and would demand Haruka make dinner exactly at 5 pm with a pointed stare. If not, she would lay down on his homework until she heard the sizzle of fish cooking. Her love to swim wasn’t an exaggeration. If Haruka did not securely fasten the bathroom door behind him, he was guaranteed a companion in the tub. He didn’t mind the company too much, though it was a little cramped at times. If he felt especially generous, he would run the tap in a thin trickle. She would bat, lick, and duck under the water for at least a half hour. Each new quirk warmed Haruka’s apartment, slowly transforming it into a home.

But the cold continued to blow outside. Every text Haruka sent acknowledging these discoveries, Makoto would reply with only a small phrase, or at times just an emoji. The last text Haruka had sent, he even included a picture of Ocha wrapped up in her new towel. Two days had passed and still Makoto had not replied. Something like this had never happened before.

Unease began to take root and fracture Haruka’s mind at this point. Classes were spent doodling small pictures of glasses and scruffy hair on the sides of his notes. Studying became a cycling race between worry and concentration. At the end of each practice, he found himself wishing there was someone waiting for him with heartfelt compliments and big goofy smiles.

Despite the pressures of obligation pushing the limits of his day, Haruka still found himself wide awake late at night. Ocha was settled against his side, his palm mindlessly running along her flank.

Perhaps he was worrying for nothing.

He hardly knew Makoto or the patterns he went through during stressful or busy times. Perhaps he was the kind of person who had to withdraw when he was busy. Cutting people out when priorities were all consuming. However, the idea did not seem to fit in the puzzle that was Makoto. Haruka knew Makoto would do anything for those he cared about, no matter the self-inflicted consequence.

Perhaps he was knowingly pushing Haruka away. Putting some distance between them due to how alarmingly fast they had become close. And someone else was demanding more of Makoto’s attention. Someone beautiful, confident, and equally passionate about animals.

Was this how Makoto felt as he lay with an incapacitated Haruka in his arms? Full or questions, overrun with worry, struggling to block-out unnamable fear? Had Haruka not been worth the energy? Had the friendship not been worth the time?

Did Makoto not want him anymore?

Ocha stirred awake when Haruka’s hand stilled on her rump. She nibbled his wrist for a moment, ordering him to continue. When he didn’t, she stood from her spot next to him and padded across the bed to jump down. She flounced across his floor to disappear out into the main room to conduct whatever mischief displeased cats do, leaving her owner to a fitful sleep and muddling dreams.

 

* * *

 

Mid-terms sputtered to an end with an at home swim meet. It was the second Haruka was able to take part in since his suspension from the team ended. Haruka never regretted his actions that cold November week. He endured the punishments with eyes intent on proving himself again once he was able. Today, he cut down his lane like a sword slicing air. The passing water roaring in his ears, impelling him to go faster. Landing first with full seconds between him and the next placement made it easy for his coaches to forgive him.

But these matters were far from Haruka’s mind as he raced to dress in the locker room afterwards. Jacket billowing behind him and hair still dripping, he ran across campus. Barren trees now lined the walkways, dark limbs grasping the air above him in pathetic efforts to slow him down. He pressed forward. His breath came out in white bursts of condensation. He passed the southeast campus entrance just at the bell tower began to toll.

It was 1pm, Friday. Haruka knew were Makoto would be. Just as his apartment door was broken open, he would break this barrier that seemed to be growing between himself and Makoto. If he had any choice in the matter, he was not going to be left behind.

When he had adopted Ocha, he had every intent that Makoto would be part of their forever family. He knew the procedures would be arduous, and adjustments would need to be made. But if Makoto was willing, Haruka would give all he had to make it work. His heart beat steadily in his ears, warmth sating the worry and fear that tried to weaken him.

Leaping passed the porch steps, suddenly Haruka was there. The muffled voices of the shelter animals welcomed him in a disorderly chorus, and the familiar heat of the shelter bade him to shed his coat.

“Haru-san! Its wonderful to see you!” Kou called from behind the counter, her brother giving Haruka a once over from where he stood next to her.

“Looking better,” Rin affirmed, a smile showcasing his sharp teeth. “Didn’t think I would ever see you here again.”

Gulping in breath, Haruka maintained his stance next to the coat rack.

“Where is Makoto?”

“Makoto-senpai? Isn’t he usually with you around this time?” Kou questioned, looking a tad concerned.

“Its passed 1 o’clock. Makoto is always here on Fridays.”

Rin shoved himself from his position on the wall, and walked around the counter to stand in front of Haruka. “What’s wrong with Makoto?” he asked, eyes fiery beneath the ceiling light.

Haruka met the flames with an ocean of determination. “He hasn’t been answering my texts. I’m here because I know he is.”

“But Haru-san—” Kou began before Rin cut her off.

“Makoto wouldn’t be caught dead here. You should know that.”

“What?”

“He only seems to show up when you are around. Otherwise, he avoids this place like the plague.”

“But, I thought… His club. He always leaves to volunteer here. How…”

Rin rolled his eyes as panic set into Haruka. Moving back to his position against the wall, he dug his hands deep into the fraying pockets of his jeans. “Makoto hasn’t willfully volunteered here since he lost Hana.”

So there was a girl.

“Who’s Hana?” Haruka made himself ask.

“Rin…” Kou attempted to shush.

“She was a beautiful golden retriever he had found on the streets. No tags, no home. We get them all the time. Thing is, she was missing a leg. Usually this shelter doesn’t accept animals like that. People don’t want a deformed dog, and we can’t keep an animal we know won’t be going anywhere. But Makoto wouldn’t have any of that this time. So she stayed.

“About four months ago, her stump got infected. We didn’t have the money at the time for proper treatment, and Amakata is a firm believer in being a no-kill shelter. Thinks its no one’s place to decide when life ends, shit like that.

“So Makoto stuck with this dog all the way to the end. Came in every spare moment he had. And once she was gone, he was too.”

“It was an awful day,” Kou continued where her brother stopped. “Everything seemed to be going wrong for him. But he made it just in time to say good-bye. I thought it would be a horrible scene, but he hardly shed a tear. Just got up, and said he was going to head back to campus for the club meeting. Hardly listened to a word I said.

“He hadn’t been back until he brought you last month.”

The warmth Haruka had been filled with slipped out of him like the chill of a ghost. He never could have guessed. He might have never known.

Why hadn’t Makoto told him?

“If he isn’t here… Then where is he? What has he been doing all this time?” Haruka whispered, fists trembling at his sides, eyes sightless.

“Dunno,” Rin muttered bitterly.

“Mako-chan is asking for donations at the mart,” a boyish voice piped in.

Nagisa stepped into the lobby, Rei at his side.

“I’m sure Makoto-san would appreciate it if this conversation were to end here,” Rei interjected. “We all know how much he dislikes the spotlight.”

“The guy asked. Its not my fault Makoto bottles everything up,” Rin insisted.

“Rin!” Kou scolded, jabbing her brother in the side with a well-placed elbow.

Hissing, Rin managed to continue. “It’s true. Self-sacrificing mess.”

“Nagisa—” Haruka stammered, struggling to find his voice again. “Will you help me find him?”

Untying his apron and throwing it at Rei, Nagisa was at the door before Haruka was able to finish his request. “Hurry! Mako-chan is waiting!”

Nagisa bolted across the room and out the door, Haruka at his heels.

“Haru-san! Your jacket!” Kou called, making to chase after them. Rin grabbed her arm, preventing her movement.

“Let him go. He has crap to work out.”

Surprisingly, Rei agreed.

“Once Nagisa-kun starts, he doesn’t stop. You know that,” he mused. “But I have a feeling Makoto-san needs some help right now. He didn’t take the news about our sister shelter well.”

“Everything is just going to shit,” Rin conceded, walking forward to close the entrance door. The room had become chilly, and the heating bill was difficult enough to pay already.

 

* * *

 

Haruka’s lungs burned as he ran alongside Nagisa, the cold air raking his respiratory system with knives. His ears felt like ice. But the thought of Makoto pushed his legs to go faster.

Hana had been that old friend. She had been the reason Makoto and Haruka met. She was the reason they were friends now.

Was she the reason Makoto had distanced himself too?

He had seen her mark on Makoto despite his every effort to hide it. Tear-stained cheeks illuminated by street lamps. Lost stars painted between eyelashes. Muffling doors unhinged and thrown open. So many painted smiles repressing inner chaos.

“Mako-chan should be at the market just up there,” Nagisa wheezed, though his pace refused to slow. “See him there all the time when I go shopping with my sisters.”

They ran forward, despite the mid-afternoon crowd. Nagisa jolted to the right, and Haruka belatedly followed. Inside the mart, booths were set up with local wares. Just passed the initial haze of produce, Haruka recognized broad shoulders and shaggy hair. Makoto was speaking to an old woman, unaware of his pursuers. Haruka’s feet stumbled to a stop though Nagisa pressed on.

“Mako-chan!”

“Nagisa!?”

Nagisa collided into Makoto for a sticky embrace, sweat shining on Nagisa’s brow.

“What are you doing here? I know you should still be at school!” Makoto easily slipped into his parental voice.

“But Mako-chan, I wanna help! Your way is too stiff. You gotta make the people laugh, and they will definitely donate!” Nagisa emphasized his point with finger guns and a popping noise.

“Your time is better spent at the shelter. Or even more: school! You really can’t be skipping like this. Your parents will worry.”

“Who are you to lecture me like this, Mako-chan? When you have so many people worried about you.”

Nagisa took a step back and made eye-contact with Haruka over Makoto’s shoulder. The glance was long enough that Makoto turned to see what the look was all about.

“Haru…”

He looked tired. It was the first thing Haruka managed to think before Nagisa shoved Makoto forward.

“You guys have some talking to do. I will be in charge of this station until you have been thoroughly disciplined!”

“N-Nagisa! I can’t just leave all this here. You don’t—!”

Haruka surged forward, taking Makoto’s hand in his.

“Please.”

Haruka could see the hesitance blanketed over Makoto, slowing his steps and veiling his eyes. He hoped that whatever his expression was could be enough. Whatever he was feeling could be enough. Please. Please. Please.

Turning back, Makoto grabbed his parka. They left Nagisa and the market behind, hands wound tight. They walked in silence, Makoto winding them through the streets. Once they came to a small park, Makoto pulled Haruka to one of the benches.

Haruka took a seat, finally relinquishing his grasp from Makoto’s warm palm.

“God… Your hands are were freezing, Haru!”

Makoto slipped the parka around Haruka’s shoulders, pulling a scarf from one of its pockets to wrap around Haruka’s neck as well.

“You can’t be running around in this cold just in a t-shirt, Haru. You’re an athlete. You’re on a team. You have to be more responsible.”

Haruka could care less about the team at the moment.

“What about you?” The words wafted out of his mouth in swelling clouds.

“I’m fine. I’m always warm, so this sweater is enough.”

“No, what about you, Makoto? Who are you responsible for?”

“Haru…”

Haruka could see it. The lines bunching between Makoto’s eyebrows. The purple hue his lower eyelids had taken. The hunch in his shoulders, like there was a tower of invisible rocks teetering precariously with each step Makoto took.

Makoto was responsible for too many.

He was pacing now. Mindless steps taking him in circles. His cheek taught in a way Haruka knew meant that he was nervously chewing on it. Haruka could imagine the scars time has left on the inside of Makoto’s cheeks.

“I—!” Makoto flung his head back in frustration, for once struggling with finding his own words. “I just don’t know. I don’t know anymore. Nothing. I know nothing!”

Haruka reached for Makoto’s hand again, and he gave it obediently. Taking a seat next to Haruka, Makoto let him examine his hands. His knee bouncing with anxiety.

Haruka ran his fingers along the tendons that lined the back of Makoto’s hand. Hiked the ridges of his knuckles. Brushed the edges of his fingertips. Pressing their palms together and interlacing their fingers, Haruka marveled at just how natural the embrace felt. Like they were born from linking molds. He rested their joined hands at his knee, his thumb caressing the bend between Makoto’s thumb and pointer finger.

“You know I love you, right?”

Makoto’s immediate response wasn’t of shock at the declaration or happiness from the confession. Instead, he finally let himself meet Haruka’s intent gaze, a sigh clouding their vision for just a moment.

“I… Haru, that not what I meant.”

“You knew, and that’s why you stopped talking to me. That’s why you put distance between us.”

“Its not that simple…”

Haruka let his head rest on Makoto’s shoulder. He suddenly felt exhausted. Swimming, running, talking. His head was pounding. His legs too heavy to lift. He wanted to sleep. Just for a selfish few minutes, sleep with Makoto at his side. With Makoto’s scent curling in his mind and his fingers snug around his own.

But he couldn’t demand that of Makoto.

“I went to the shelter. They told me about Hana.”

Haruka felt rather than heard Makoto’s breath hitch. He continued before Makoto could stop him.

“I know when you’re hurting. I feel it too. I want to know why.”

Makoto leant his head over Haruka’s in surrender, puzzling their edges to meet comfortably. Even without answers, this was the most whole Haruka had ever felt in his entire life.

“She was the best listener.” Makoto’s voice was thick was explicable emotion. Haruka didn’t dare move. Hot breath billowed above them.

“Took every worry I had, and still managed to wag her tail when she saw me. She was always so happy to see me. Patient. Attentive. Kind. Even in pain, she was the most faithful friend. I loved her very much.

“I couldn’t go back after that. She is still there. I see her in their eyes. None of them deserve a life like that. No one deserves a life like that. I can’t bear seeing so many lives end like that!”

Tears trickled down the crown of Haruka’s head. Expressionless, he let his own join them as they ran down his cheeks.

“I wasn’t avoiding you. I couldn’t avoid you if I wanted to. But they needed me.

“The night you adopted Ocha, Amakata-san said she needed to speak with me. Her sister runs a shelter on the other side of town. But she doesn’t hold to the standards Amakata-san does. I try to help out at as many shelters as I can, but I hadn’t visited that one in a very long time. It never was as well-kept as ours. She chose to use the funding to support personal interests rather than to help the animals. We went over that Saturday, and the place was swarming with officers. The owner finally was convicted of animal abuse.

“The officers weren’t even rescuing animals from the shelter anymore. Whatever life that might have been there had been beaten out. Starved out. They were corpses with heartbeats!”

Haruka released Makoto’s hand, shifting to cup his face with both hands instead.

Beautiful, brave, kind Makoto was a sobbing mess. Tears traveling out of swollen eyes and over burning cheeks. His breath came in hiccupping gasps. Still, his green eyes shone with so much life. So much feeling. It was the most vulnerable Haruka has ever seen Makoto, and he treasured every twist of pain his heart felt as he listened.

“They didn’t even shut the shelter down! She got out with a fine. And I just don’t know what to do! Shelters like this are everywhere. Where they aren’t starved, they are disposed of. Or sold. Even Amakata’s shelter couldn’t save Hana. I couldn’t save Hana. I just am not enough. I can’t do enough!”

Makoto’s voice gave out in exhaustion. His lips pulled tight as he suppressed a wail of anguish, instead pressing passed Haruka’s hands to bury his face in the scarf tucked beneath Haruka’s ear. Sobs shook his body, but he held his voice in. Small gasps of breath all Haruka could hear.

Letting his arms fully encompass Makoto in a clinging embrace, they held each other and let the tears flow.

People might have stared at the two. Wondered how they could allow such a scene in a public place. The entire world might have condemned them for their behavior. But for them, nothing in else mattered but the warmth they shared as they embraced. Here, there was only safety, understanding, and acceptance.

When Makoto finally drew back from Haruka, their tears had long dried. And though their heads pulsed with emotion-induced headaches and noses were clogged with the after-effects of crying, neither felt a hint of regret.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Haru. I know what love is. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I didn’t. But I felt it, and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t ready. I’ve been hurt so many times.

“I’ve put everything I have into helping them. I campaign for donations. I meet with corporations. I visit classrooms. Push spaying and neutering. Beg for more people to volunteer. I fight for each adoption. I couldn’t save Hana, but maybe I can prevent just a couple from suffering.

“There just isn’t much of me left after that. I can’t go to all your swim meets. I can’t be there to witness all of Ocha’s quirks. I can’t even make a decent bento.”

“But you’ll love me,” Haruka finally asserted, eyes as wide as they could go despite how swollen they were.

“It’s the only thing I seem to be good at,” Makoto admitted. A small burst of laughter followed, leaving them both lightheaded.

“Then its enough. I can share.”

Makoto’s smile mirrored the intensity of Haruka’s own full grin. They basked in each other’s company, brimming with a contentment they had never known before.

“Is it okay then… if I kiss you?” Makoto tested, eyes glowing Haruka’s favorite sunshine green.

“Are there going to be any strings attached?”

“You and I both know that was a lie.”

Makoto laughed fully then, and only was silenced with the press of Haruka’s lips.

 

* * *

 

An empty stomach was the number one problem Ocha faced at the moment. But the painful pull of her claws did little to convince her humans to leave their bed. They were busy being gross, and she had watched them enough to know that it would be awhile until breakfast.

She sauntered off into the main room, ignoring her subordinate who called from beneath the kotatsu. She had ruled over this establishment for two years now. And how did her humans repay her superior reign? By inviting a puffy little tabby into her kingdom, and treating her like she was Ocha’s equal. It was ludicrous, really.

It’s only benefit was during times such as now. Ocha’s breakfast bowl might be empty, but that tabby’s wasn’t.

Their bowls were spaced upon a spread page of newspaper. Across one side was a picture of her smaller human. He looked completely stupid with his fur soaking and two gold disks shining on his chest. She had watched the entire scene already with her bigger human on the TV weeks prior. Really, all the humans’ forms was terrible. If she had the time, she might have shown them what true swimming looked like. Still, when her smaller human surfaced at the end of his race, the big human flung her up in the air.

“Ocha! He did it! Haru won gold! Do you know what that means for you, and all your friends? Our message is going to be everywhere!!”

She had punished her human with a well-placed scratch, but he still continued to dance around with her like a fool.

She really had no idea what this message was that he kept singing about. The only message she cared to share was her demand to be treated with respect. She was a queen. It was something she had known since she was a kitten. Her humans remembered for the most part.

But now the tabby’s bowl was empty and she was in the mood for some mackerel. She had had enough of her humans’ neglect, and would just have to take the matter into her own paws.

Jumping up on the shelf, Ocha made her way to where her smaller human’s golden disks were displayed in glass. She batted at one for a moment, curious how it continued to resist her. Giving up on the first, she snaked behind its case to try the other. Her royal rump did the job however, and the first case tipped over the edge. She watched satisfied as it crashed onto the floor.

Her humans responded appropriately.

“Haru! We have to check on the cats!!”

“They can wait.”

“But Haruuuu!”

Ocha sent the other toppling just for good measure. The tabby watched her masterful performance, completely awestruck.

“What if they broke something? They could get hurt.”

“I haven’t seen you in weeks!”

“And they haven’t either! Its probably Ocha anyway. She wants breakfast. How about mackerel?”

Soon enough, her humans were obediently preparing her meal. As they should. She only wished now that they had the decency to get properly dressed first. But they were imperfect beings, and she had to remember that.

And if she really had to be honest, she loved them anyway.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading "My Heart's Advocate"!
> 
> I never intended this assignment to be such an emotional ride. But as I researched the setting requested, I experienced a great deal of confusion and emotion I had not planned on. I felt it would be dishonest to gloss over the realities (good and bad) of animal shelters, so this story was born.
> 
> Most of all, I hope you feel like you are capable of just a little more good each day. No matter how bad the world feels, you are enough. I'm sure Makoto would certainly agree.
> 
> If you would like to read more of my works, I have a couple submissions from previous Makoto and MakoHaru events here on AO3. I also have a tumblr where I post art and reblog lots of Free! (You can find me as ExquisiteWallflower).
> 
> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. I am really interested in hearing your feedback! Thanks again for reading!


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